Another chapter has ended in my life.

Or rather, it had ended a long time ago, but it is only now that I chose to become aware of it… for more reasons than any of you may be able to imagine.

Why am I writing this, you might ask. I know not the answer to this question, however nagging it may be. Perhaps it would be wiser to start at the beginning.

I have known him for a few years, having made his acquaintance via a friend finder site in the internet. Bit by bit, he became my friend -- my very best friend. There were facts and parts of myself which I shared with him that no other person knew of. I confided in him and offered my ears and support in turn when he too was in need. Similar tastes, similar thoughts. He, the adventurer; I, in search of independence. Some would say it was a match made in heaven… or hell, for we both admitted to having a dark side.

And then…

Then the brotherly link between us broke. I do not even know what caused it. From one point in time… it all began to deteriorate until the rupture turned into a huge rift.

I’ve not spoken to him in months.

No, I did not wish for this to happen. I have tried to shed some light on this matter and perhaps learn what had gone wrong between us. My efforts, however, were not rewarded with success. I have had many faults, but none could have been as severe to alienate us.

So, why do I feel the need to voice this now? What do I seek to accomplish? As far as I can tell… nothing.
I stand to win nothing from this disclosure to you. Perhaps only my peace of mind. Perhaps it is my way of acknowledging the fact that I have lost a very dear friend… that I am missing a part of me…

My sadness, then my anger… then the sheer lack of time to think and ponder on this matter have prevented me from realizing this earlier and I have hence carried this burden with me for so long. It saddens me to think of him again, to remember the good times we shared. It saddens me to know I might never see him again or hear his voice, or receive his advice.

I miss him…

Finally acknowledging this only begins the healing process.

Why do I write down my thoughts? No, I do not write this in hope that he will come across it one day and feel guilty. Contrary to what people might believe, I remember him fondly and always wish him the best. He was my friend -- in the true meaning of the word. I have tried to hate him and -- at the beginning -- for a very short time I was victorious… but it soon donned on me how childish my behavior was. How could I ever hate him when I had held him in such high esteem? When I have loved him with all my heart?

He played a part in molding me as a person; in molding my spirit. I learned a lot from him. I became stronger. I learned to question what was around me. I learned to never take anything for granted and cherish each and every moment of my life. I learned to search for a higher meaning. And I am grateful for it all.

Thus… taking a deep breath, I can say only this:

At long last, I can put this chapter where and in the form it belongs. It has come to an end… and end which allowed me to continue.

Goodbye, my dearest friend!